Final few days ...

As I sit down to write this it is hard to believe that in a few days time this Olympic rollercoaster I am on will be over and I will be back in my office and sitting at my desk in London.  It has been an emotional few weeks and the last few days even more so.

Evening news

Yesterday was the semi-finals for the women’s tournament and you could feel the intensity of the games in the Shayba arena.  This is what the teams came for and as they played for a chance to be in the gold medal game it was clear just how much it meant to them and their fans.

Following the games yesterday there was a directorate meeting which is a meeting held between the IIHF and all the teams for the tournament.  These meetings happen throughout the tournament at certain points to ensure everything is running smoothly.  One of the outputs from these meetings is the assignment of games for the game officials for the next few days (or until the next directorate meeting). 

For us as officials this means we wait until after each directorate meeting to hear who will be working games over the next few days.  This can be a bit tough as an official because it leaves a degree of uncertainty of when you will work games.  It is however something we have all got used to and in reality we are all here and ready to work at the tournament at any game given to us, so when we find out doesn’t really matter too much.

Last night the meeting was straight after the last game which finished at 11:00pm.  A group of us gathered in our hotel lobby at midnight to wait for the supervisors to return from the meeting to tell us who would be working the games tomorrow and on Thursday.  It is always an emotional time towards the end of a tournament.  No one comes to the Olympics and doesn’t want to skate on the last few days.  We are all here because we have pushed ourselves hard to be the best we can be and that means that we all want to skate on the last day and get the chance to officiate in a medal game. 

As we found out the assignments for the last few days there was a mix of emotions in the group.  Some of us were working games and others were not.  Dealing with the news and the emotions as a group is incredibly tough on everyone.  You can be happy for yourself at the same time as sad for your friends and your colleagues.  There was a mix of excitement, happiness and disappointment in the room.  Processing all of our emotions in a few seconds in a group and in-front of everyone is really tough.  As a group we are all friends and have been through a lot together.  There were hugs and tears and friends congratulating each other at the same time as respecting the disappointment others may have been feeling. 

A few of us had our fan clubs with us waiting in the lobby to find out who was working games over the next few days.  I was lucky enough to have Scott and Cat with me and it was really amazing for them to both be there and see what it is like.  Denise had her husband and brother with her also to hear the news.  To share the experience and emotion of it all with people close to you makes it so much easier to process and also gives you an opportunity to let your real emotion out.  Perhaps the most surreal part of hearing as a group is that the news doesn’t always sink in straight away and you can feel yourself sitting there but having an out of body experience as you observe what is going on around you.  Friends and colleagues hugging you or giving you a high five, Scott and Denise’s husband on their phones talking to close family and friends to share the news, while a number of us just sat quietly letting the news sink in.

Emotions running high

When you put yourself in a position to strive to be the very best it means anything which is not the absolute best is never good enough and the disappointment of not achieving your goal can really hurt.  The reality of the situation is that there are only 2 medal games and therefore only 2 referees and 4 linesmen who can skate in those games.  We cannot all skate in a medal game and that is tough for each of us to understand and to put into perspective.  We are all here officiating at the Olympics which is a huge achievement and an honour in itself.  But perhaps the reason we are all here is because we all demand more from ourselves.

The fact we all care so much and it will hurt to not have a medal game is something that I sit back and admire my colleagues and friends for.  I think one of the greatest tragedies in life would be to not try or to not let yourself care about anything too much through fear of failure.  It is important to have the courage to try to achieve the impossible and to allow yourself to care even if that means you open yourself up to potential hurt, upset and disappointment.  It is better to have cared, tried, and put everything you have into something than to never have tried at all.  That may mean not quite achieving what you set out to do, but if you never really try then you never really achieve.  Maybe you need to not achieve to appreciate what success and achieving the end goal really feels like or means to you.  All I know is that to feel true and real emotion at the end then you have to put true and real emotion in from the start.  Committing that emotion is scary.  I admire all of my colleagues and friends here for not being afraid to commit their emotions.

How do I feel?

I am lucky enough for this to be my third Olympics and I know that achieving what I have so far means a great deal to me and to my family and friends back home. 

I do wish my Dad was around to see this and I would be lying if I said I haven’t thought about him a lot over the last few weeks.  It has been an intense environment and an emotional few weeks for all of us.  I have wanted to call him, to hear his voice, to talk him through everything that is happening and above all to thank him for everything he did to get me where I am today.  I can’t do that and it will always hurt. 

But I do now know what it feels like to be proud of myself.  I have given everything I have to my dream and am proud and honoured to be here and to be working the game I have been assigned in the next few days.

The encouragement and support I have had from officials around the world and from back home is incredible.  The excitement and genuine happiness of my friends and family brings a lump to my throat and fills me with the desire to make you all proud.  I will not let you or myself down and will be giving my all.

Keeping focused

Shortly after we found out the news we all went to bed.  We have two days of the tournament left and we need to keep our focus on the job we are here to do.  It is time to put our emotions to one side and to get on with what we love to do and for me that is to refereeing at the Olympics!